Progress Is Not Perfection

Tonight I got to hear Renee Yohe, who is the girl whom inspired the movement To Write Love On Her Arms, speak and tell her story. It really resonated with me and as soon as she began speaking I started to cry because everything she said is something that I have felt at one point or another in my life. That we are all doing anything we can to run away from the feelings inside of us rather than face them. Yesterday was the three year anniversary of me entering Castlewood after my final suicide attempt. I started crying in my car today as I was thinking about it, lying in the bed of ICU wondering if my family or friends were going to come see me, if they even cared if I had survived or not. Then getting on a plane the next day to St. Louis, yet another treatment center that I had prematurely deemed hopeless. The three years since then have been full of ups and downs, laughter and heartaches, but I have never experienced this much growth throughout my entire life. I can officially say I have been in recovery for 2 years now from my eating disorder and from self-injury. What I learned from hearing Renee speak tonight is that other people in recovery struggle with this idea that we need to become perfect and have all of our problems be in our past. I felt so relieved when she said she was speaking and giving her story once and felt an emptiness inside because she couldn’t tell anyone she was struggling. I am fortunate that I found the courage to tell someone and I didn’t have to fall too far in my own lapse. I get so caught up in being this role model to others for recovery and think my eating disorder is something in my past that it isn’t bubbling beneath the surface, waiting for me to succumb to it’s deception. I get so caught up in trying to help others, and giving them the tools to beat their own disease, while neglecting my own. For some reason many years ago I decided I was the one who could save everyone else, it didn’t matter if I needed to sacrifice myself along the way. It is something that is still engrained in my mind to this day and I have to remind myself that people look up to someone who is real and has struggles, who talks about what is hard but asks for guidance to work through it. It’s funny how we set such different standards for ourselves than what we expect out of others. How we verbally beat ourselves up day in and day out and don’t think twice about it. This is something I’ve got to work on, allowing myself to feel my emotions without judgments, so I don’t keep wandering this life running away from any feelings that scare me.

So these are my goals from here on out…be kinder to myself, don’t be afraid to tell people what I’m really feeling, and enjoy every day and be willing to take in each lesson God teaches me, and finally remember that I am not invincible.

3AM thoughts

Right now it’s 3am and I can’t sleep because my mind is racing. Not with anything bad just taking time to reflect on this semester so far. I still can’t believe a month ago I had gone back to starving myself for days at a time and now I’m sitting here in bed, after having an amazing night, thinking how blessed I am and how much I love everything in my life right now. I love that life is constantly changing and I’m meeting new people and discovering new things. I used to think recovery just meant stop using eating disordered behaviors but now I realize it’s about really engaging in life and learning things as I go along, which are sometimes good and sometimes bad. Sometimes people (myself included) get so caught up in needing everything right now. Saying I need to know my major and what job I’m going to have, I need a boyfriend to help me feel secure, I need a best friend and a daily routine that I’m comfortable with. But that’s not what life is at all. Why do we hate feeling uncomfortable and taking one step outside of our comfort zone? This past year I’ve found that taking big risks offers big rewards. Meeting new people and doing something completely new is one of my favorite things, as scary as it may seem.

In another direction but equally important, I’ve noticed something else this semester. Why oh why is everyone so insecure with themselves? I don’t know if it’s just because I spent five years of my life around chronic eating disorder patients that I had a skewed view of the outside world but this is something I’ve definitely taken note of. I hate how people have to constantly be so mean to each other or put another person or group down to make themselves feel better. We all get so caught up in thinking we’re the best that we forget other people have feelings too. A very wise person once told me don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides and that is something I put into practice to this day. Girls think it’s fine to call someone else a bitch or slut that they don’t even know, or whisper about something they “heard” about them, or stereotype or judge that person because they’re in a certain greek house. I wish people could get to know each other and look past the label of someone else. I’ll admit, I’ve prematurely judged others as well as been called a snob and not given the time of day, we’re all guilty of it but I wish we could come together to try and stop it. I know I’m being a little too idealistic this is just something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve seen too many people miss out on amazing experiences because they’d rather hold on to a silly perception. And while I know I can’t change anyone else I’m going to continually make an effort from hear on out to not perpetuate gossip, to not put someone down that I don’t even know, and to try and get to know as many people as I can. Because relationships are what make life amazing and I’d hate to miss out on something great because of my own insecurities and stubbornness.

Ok well it’s after 3 and I’m planning on getting up semi early to drive home to Texas to spend the day with my dad, because he’s my best friend and I miss him as corny as that sounds. Sorry if this blog post is random or doesn’t make sense, tonight is just one of those nights where I felt the need to write down the thoughts bouncing inside my head. 

Beauty in Balance

So I know my last blog was kind of depressing, it was also really hard for me to write that and admit that I was struggling again with something that I had told myself I’d never go back to. These past few weeks have definitely been challenging but I’ve continued to do things I told myself I could not do. I spoke up and asked for help, I started to set boundaries with people again, I forced myself to eat 3 meals a day, and I let myself cry and not always be the strong one for others. These are things I had learned to do in treatment but had fallen by the wayside these past few months as I put aside my coping skills and let my perfectionism take over. These days I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, not thinking about calories or my body, and truly laughing and enjoying life.

I’ve realized what set me back these past few months. I began to fall back into the mindset that I had to be there for everyone else and that’s the only way I would gain approval and friendship. I ignored emotions and began starving to numb out because it hurt too much to feel. Then the shame set in because I was supposed to be the example, the girl in recovery who never struggled with that again, the girl everyone looked up to and had a seemingly perfect life with her days of eating disorder and depression behind her. But now I’m realizing none of that is real. It’s not realistic to never struggle with something that was my main coping mechanism for so long. The difference is I don’t have to let it rule my life. I can see the warning signs and ask for help. I have too many things going for me to give up now, let my eating disorder rule my life and run back to treatment to escape when things get hard. And although it hurts to fight back I can already see that it is worth it.

I also want to thank all of my friends for encouraging me that it’s okay to struggle, and telling me that other’s look up to someone who is real and has struggles rather than someone with a smile plastered on her face. Now I can see that this journey will never be perfect, there will always be highs and lows, but no mater what happens I can get through it with help and support from others. I’m learning to find the beauty in balance and reminding myself how amazing it is to feel true joy.

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away” – Raymond Hull

The Truth

I am not okay. That’s very hard for me to write. As some of you know I have a hard time ever asking for help, or admitting that something’s wrong which is not a good trait and ends with me in the place I am in right now. I am restricting again, okay that’s kind of a lie, I am skipping entire meals and going days without eating again. It’s only been the past couple of weeks but it’s terrifying me. I’m so used to being the girl that everyone comes to for help or advice, the girl that people look up to, so it’s hard to admit that I’m the one that may need others. The past couple of months I’ve gotten so caught up in taking care of everyone else’s problems and ignoring my own emotions that it’s begun to come out in my food. I am horribly ashamed to say this, I’ve always thought I’m over this; I’ve worked through it and should never struggle with it again. A good friend reminded me that this is something I had to fight for in hospitals for six years and it’s not something that will ever go away, and I know she’s right but I guess I just have different standards for myself. I tell myself I should never struggle, I should always have a smile on my face and be positive, and not break down or cry. I feel like I was such a sponge off of my loved ones back when I was at my sickest and I don’t ever want to go back to feeling needy, but I guess I’m going to have to learn to find a middle ground. I don’t want to continue withering away with a fake smile on my face attempting to convince others I’m fine until I become medically compromised again, and I don’t think my body can handle me putting it through this one more time. I don’t want to continue going down this path but I’m scared to ask for help, I’m scared to admit I need others help, and I’m scared of not feeling numb anymore. So this is why I’m writing this, when I started this blog I promised I’d be honest with y’all about my journey of recovery and I’ve come to accept this is part of my journey, but it doesn’t mean a relapse and negate anything I’ve done in the past few years. I am determined to keep my head up and keep going because I refuse to be defeated by this horrible disease.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fall.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I need to start doing better about this blogging thing. The reason I haven’t written is because I tell myself if I don’t have anything happy and uplifting to write I shouldn’t write anything because then people will be disappointed in me. So rather than allowing myself to write about what’s really been going on I’ve been bottling it all up, stuffing it way down in my gut, and forcing a fake smile on my face. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you all how well that plan has worked for me.

I guess it all started a few weeks ago. I of course got sick again and had to go back to my second home, urgent care. Now before I go on I should tell you that I haven’t known my weight in over two and a half years. I’m fine with my body but the number completely effs with my head. Well I get on the scale backwards at urgent care and the nurse says it out loud after I explicitly tell her not to. Now for a normal person who hasn’t spent 6 years of her life in a hospital because she almost starved herself to death this would be fine, but for me this was huge. After the Dr. wrote me my prescription I got in my car and had the most epic breakdown I’ve probably had in years. I’m talking ugly cry, calling my dad and telling him I’m going to lose 30 pounds, and locking myself in my room. After about half an hour of this I came to my senses. Kelly, you have spent 6 years of your life in treatment centers, have almost died countless times and are finally living a happy and fulfilling life? Yet somehow knowing that number makes me want to go back to it all. And it’s not that I even hate my body anymore at all, yet something so small makes me want to go back to having a feeding tube up my nose. Craziness. So you know what I did? I let myself finish crying, and went to dinner with one of my friends. Because when you look at the big picture, yes I can be upset and it can trigger me but I’m not going to let myself go back to it all after I’ve worked this hard, I am worth more than a number. At first I didn’t want to tell anyone about this incident, then I realized I needed to share this, because being in recovery doesn’t mean never freaking out about things, it only means learning to handle them in a non destructive way.

Other than that I’ve been getting stressed out with school and extra curricular stuff, and also finding out that old friends are struggling again which upsets me more than anything. But every time something gets to me I just tell myself I can handle it all, and I shouldn’t be upset or cry. I am in recovery now, which means life should be great, nothing should stress me out, and I should be a support for everyone. That’s completely rational right? It seems so silly writing this now but it’s a belief that is rooted so deeply within me that I need to remind myself isn’t true. Life isn’t perfect, I’m going to have bad days, people are going to hurt me, but I can experience it, learn from it, and move on.

I’m so thankful I have wonderful friends who can remind me at times like these and encourage me. When I look back at these past few weeks, I have had a lot of wonderful things happen to me as well. I’ve reconnected with a few old friends who have gone on to live happy lives free from their disease, I’ve been asked to speak to a college class and share my story, I got to walk in the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week walk with friends in recovery, I’ve gotten to know new sorority sisters and bond with old ones. Overall, life is amazing and I'm so blessed to be celebrating my two years of no symptoms next month, and be getting to live my life and experience new things every day.
I guess the moral of the story is I don’t have to keep up a perfect appearance all the time to be an inspiration to people or to be a leader. People don’t look up to people who are fake or pretend to have it all together, they want to be friends with people who are real. So that is what I’m going to continue to try and be.

A good friend from one of my treatment centers gave me this quote one time when I was struggling with this concept years ago. And it could not be put any more perfectly

“It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." – the velveteen rabbit

Happy Birthday to Me

So it’s officially my birthday! I'm 23 wow. (I won’t be admitting that much haha)

The last few days I’ve been kind of pessimistic about turning 23, always comparing myself to where I think I should be in my life. I haven’t had the cookie cutter road that a lot of my friends have. I didn’t get to walk across the stage when I graduated high school, I didn’t get to go off to college that fall, and I didn’t get to go to a bar and have all my friend’s buy me shots when I turned 21.I’m not saying this to get pity, I think I just always tell myself and others that I took a different path in life and I’m fine with that but in reality it’s easier to say that confidently than to deal with the fact that I am kind of sad and embarrassed that I’m “behind.” I hate that I let it get to me, but I more so hate the fact that I spent so many years wanting to die that I would give anything to get back and live.

It’s time to stop wishing I could get the past back and focus on right now. I know I haven’t blogged in a month so some of you don’t know what’s been happening with me but I’ve had a lot of exciting opportunities. I was elected Vice President of my sorority and improved my GPA tremendously last semester. I’ve been able to make new friends, reconnect with some old ones and really step into who I am as a person without my eating disorder. This is the first time in my life that I can truly say there is no going back.

It’s time for me to let go and let God show me what he has planned for me in this next year of my life. Because if I don’t stop trying to relive the past I’m going to miss what’s great about right now.

walk down memory lane

So being back at Castlewood has been such an amazing experience. It's been wonderful to see all the people who believed in me and made such an impact on my recovery. But it's been so difficult to see all the girls here who are still struggling with their eating disorders. It made me reminisce to my time here, and although it's sometimes hard to remember how bad those times really were, I was able to find some old therapy assignments on my computer which really took me back to what I was feeling in those months and years.

This is something I wrote April of 2008, the first time I came to Castlewood. I had just gotten here after I had spent a week in ICU after trying to take my own life.

Why am I a lost cause? Mostly because this is the message I get from people in my life. There are those few that say they have hope but they don’t really know the depth of the issue. I don’t have the resources to stay in recovery, I don’t have a plan set up for what to do with my life or a dream of who I want to be, I don’t have a stable system of supportive friends to help me through rough times, and I don’t have a family who is willing to or even understands how to pick me up when I fall. I am so easily swayed by other people and what they think is best for me that I don’t think for my own so I am constantly misguided by others judgments. I don’t have hope for myself, I can’t see myself recovered and living a life other than this and maybe I don’t want to. I am constantly seeing images of other girls trying and failing and this doesn’t make me optimistic for my future. Hearing those statistics, 1 in 8 just makes me so much less hopeful, and especially watching them come true before my very eyes, without really noticing any differences between these girls actions and my own. I feel like so many people have tried to help me and I’ve searched for help and guidance in so many ways but have never gotten what I needed or something that has seemed to work. It works for other girls but for some reason not me. and it’s not that I don’t try, because I truly truly do. Do you think I want to be a lost cause? No. but for right now I can sit here and point to the girls who are going to recover and one of those is not me. too many things hinder my recovery and happiness, and maybe I let some of those things take place and am putting barriers in my way but right now it’s the only way I know how to get compassion or to feel needed by someone or some sense of safety. I feel that I will be dead in a year, not by my body giving out on me, but of my own doing. I know how deeply things effect me and how much I lock those inside and let them expand until I explode. Something that can seem so trivial can make me severely depressed and when I get in this mindset I don’t have the will to live. I need a release from all of this pain, and a real release not just temporary soothing. I’m so compulsive and when a thought pops into my mind I find myself doing outrageous things. Its like I become a different person and someone else takes over me, forcing me to do these self destructing acts. I know I am not invincible. I know that someone won’t be there to save me every single time. Something is going to happen and it is going to set me over the edge, and this time someone won’t be able to stop me, my emotions will get the best of me and I will succumb to my sickness. Experiencing the untimely death I deserve. But hey, maybe people will care or understand or even pay attention when I am gone. I won’t be invisible anymore.

Yes I wrote these words and felt them deeply. I literally had no hope and was praying every day that God would put me out of my misery. It's hard to pinpoint what exactly happened between then and now, but there was something in me that gave me the will to fight. So that's why I'm here in St. Louis, telling these girls that are terrified to eat a meal and have lived their lives in and out of treatment centers and hospitals that I was once in their shoes, and it's possible to have a different life. Recovery is possible for every single person. I remember doctors telling me that I wouldn't live past the age of 21. I am here today a month away from being 23 years old, and for the first time in my life I am happy, healthy, and living a life free of an eating disorder.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10