2010

I cannot believe this year is about to be over

As I look back I can honestly say this has been one of the best years of my life.

While a year ago I was still unsure in my recovery I can safely say that is no longer the case.

This year I was finally able to experience life in a way that I never have before. No longer focused on my body or the judgment of others I was able to let my true personality shine and learn to be loved for who I truly am, not for what I can offer others around me.

I’ve learned what it’s like to be in my body free of any self-criticism, I’ve learned to enjoy food and respect that my body needs it for nourishment, not as a form of punishment.

I’ve been able to let go of the unrealistic expectations for my family, and begun to form a family of choice with amazing friends who have always been willing to stand by my side.

I’ve experienced what it’s like to cry, but instead of alone I’ve been able to lean on those around me and let them ease my pain. I now know what it’s like to truly laugh, not because I’m supposed to but because I have experienced true joy deep within my soul.

I’ve also learned how to support others. Not in my usual codependent unhealthy way but recognizing my limitations and boundaries. I no longer feel the need to “fix” everyone’s problems, rather give them a shoulder to cry on much like they have done for me.

I’ve been so blessed with amazing supportive people around me while I’ve been relearning so many aspects of life. Although my journey has been anything but easy I wouldn’t change a thing about it. For every hardship has brought unimaginable growth.

I am looking forward to 2011 and the challenges and blessings it will bring me. I know God has big plans for me and I can’t wait to begin to see them unfold.

For everyone who reads this and has been in my life throughout the past years in one way or another I cannot find the words to thank you enough. I hope that in this next year I can begin to be as great of a friend as you have all been to me. 

Perfection

So Sarah and I saw the movie Black Swan tonight and it centered on an interesting theme and got me thinking. Perfection. Why is this something we all try so hard to achieve? Whether in school, work, hobbies, social life. Everyone says the ol’ saying “practice makes perfect” but is perfection something that is even attainable? Why do we twist and mold ourselves into something so distant from our true selves just to gain a supposed validation of others? Is there really something so inheritantly wrong with us that we are not okay the way we are, or are we trying to fulfill an unrealistic goal? There has got to be a point where we just say ENOUGH and learn to love ourselves. That moment finally happened for me, after years of therapy and treatment centers I finally realized that nothing I can do would change someone’s feelings or actions toward me and I had to be the one to tell myself there was nothing wrong with me, I was fine just the way I was. Yet I’ve seen others die in pursuit of this supposed “perfection” Is there such a thing as a breaking point?

I was looking for quotes on this subject and I came across this one.

“The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement” George Will

This sums it up perfectly for me. If we spend our lives trying to achieve the unattainable we miss what is right in front of our eyes. It is time we stop giving our power away to others and accept our flaws and defects. We need to stop looking for love in all the unfeasible places and learn to love ourselves. Because that is the only way to truly have peace.

Adaptation

So I know I haven’t posted in a while and I think that’s because I haven’t been sure what to say. A lot of things have been happening in my life. Some good, some bad, all of them have taught me a lesson.

The first lesson I’m learning is how to maintain friendships when the world around you is changing? I’ve met so many amazing people throughout my journey but sometimes I think I get too comfortable with my inner circle, and something happens that forces it to change. How do you maintain the connection with that person when a physical shift occurs?  Friends move away, people change, but how do you transition to new roles when that person has been your main support for so long? Are you supposed to accept it or fight to maintain it? Also another things that’s come up is when you realize there are people in your group of friends that may have conflicting values. How do I retain my integrity and principles when I am in this situation? It’s so easy to get sucked into the gossip and pettiness, but it’s a fight to maintain the individualism I’ve searched for so long. This is when I see the real growth I’ve had in the past year. I’m no longer some wandering soul looking for somewhere to fit in, I know who I am and what I stand for and I will not let anyone take that away from me. Now the only challenge is allowing those qualities I’ve developed to shine and not blend into the background.

Sorry if none of this makes sense, I don’t want to go into specifics or mention names just rather say some of the general struggles I am experiencing in this wonderful thing called recovery.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is how much contact do I allow with people from my past, those from the “eating disorder world”? Now that I’m healthy I think I trick myself into thinking I can talk to some of these people, even though they are very sick, and still be okay. These people were some who sat by my side during my toughest times in inpatient treatment, when I was still so fragile, yet I must remember that things are different now. It’s so easy to forget that my life used to be consumed with “taking care” of those individuals, many just as sick as myself, with the hope that I can save them.  A large part of me still wants to help them, yet I’m quickly reminded with the reality that I cannot save anyone. Especially those still in the depths of their disease. And as much as it hurts to see their pain, and sometimes wonder in the back of my mind who will be the next to succumb to death while in the midst of their fight, I must continue to live in my current world with a reminder that living my life and leading by example is the best thing I can do for these people.

Over Christmas break I am going to go back to St. Louis to visit some of the people at Castlewood who helped save my life, and maybe sit in on a few groups and give my advice, experience, and hope to those still searching for a way out of this disease. Because there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not reminded why God brought me through my struggles, to help those around me. It’s just when I wonder how to help where it gets a little muddled.

I saw the movie "country strong" tonight and it made me think a lot about the journey I've had and the journey of others I've had the privilege of being a part of and I just wanted to end this post with a snippet of lyrics from the song "timing is everything" by trace adkins from the movie, because it kind of sums up a lot of feelings for me.

You know I’ve had close calls
When it could’ve been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn’t my time
Timing is everything

I could’ve been the child that God took home
I would’ve been one more unfinished song
And when it seems the rhyme is hard to find
That’s when one comes a long
Just in time
Timing is everything