Suicide. It’s a terrifying word but it’s something we’ve all come into contact with in one-way or another in our lives. I remember being young and hearing that word and thinking how could someone do that to themselves? It was difficult to fathom. Now this is something I’ve become accustom to dealing with in my short life.
Today marks the one year anniversary of losing yet another friend to his own hand, and it comes on the heels of losing someone else just a few short weeks ago. I see my friends go through this gut wrenching loss feeling immense sadness and anger, and feeling helpless. I feel helpless because I wish I could make sense of it all for them. Because I am not your average bystander who looks on in disbelief, I have tried numerous times to take my own life, and know what it feels like in that moment to not care who loves you, or who would be sad if you were gone, but just want ultimate relief from the unbearable pain of living,
This week I started reading a book called “A History of Suicide.” The book is about a girl who’s 21 year old sister takes her own life, and she tries to make sense of it all in her own life, and attempts to understand what her sister was feeling when she did it. There was one quote that stuck out to me, because it summarizes what everyone feels when this happens in their life.
"We do not want to comprehend that people may and do die of emotional pain, or to recognize the terror in ourselves when we cannot seem to help someone in despair—when our words are empty.”
It’s so true, whenever we experience a death we all say to ourselves we’re going to start living and loving to the fullest and no longer taking anything for granted. We’re going to talk to the people who we’ve been neglecting and remind them that we love them. But things always return to normal and soon it feels like nothing ever happened because we all find ways to adjust and move on with our lives. The truth is there’s not much we can do or say that will have an impact on someone in that state. I’ve been there before, not caring who said what to me because I didn’t believe them. The only thing I’ve realized that I can tell someone from experience is it does get better. And I know that sounds so cliché but I’ve seen it happen in my life.
I was looking through old pictures the other day and came across this one. Looking at it brought tears to my eyes because it takes me right back to that place. I look at this girl and see her malnourished, forcing a smile, with no real life behind her eyes.
It’s hard to realize that girl is me just a few short years ago. I can see the look of despair and hopelessness in her eyes and all I want to tell her is don’t give up, it does get better. Now for some reason God did not let me take my life that year, and he worked through the doctors in the ICU to save me. Now in pictures I can see a real smile, and eyes that light up because there is true happiness beneath it.
Now I know everything happens for a reason and the people that do end up succeeding in taking their lives were taken early for some reason that God doesn’t want us to know. But that doesn’t make it any easier. I think right now instead of mourning the only thing we can do is to keep living our lives and fulfill what they can’t. I am now living for that hopeless girl who spent 5 years in hospitals thinking that nothing could ever become of her life. And that’s all any of us can do.
