Passion

So I've been thinking a lot about what my passion in life is. Since my life is no longer consumed by an eating disorder and I am no longer disillusioned by thinking I am meant to cure the world of anorexia and bulimia I've been contemplating what I am truly passionate about, until I came across this video.


One Heart Movie from Eterne Films on Vimeo.

Every time I watch this video I get goosebumps. It's such a simple concept, believing in someone. Yet it's something I've struggled with my whole life. Never thinking I was good enough for anyone and doing anything possible, including almost killing myself, just to get someone to tell me that they loved me or they cared. It wasn't until I went into treatment this last time that I realized there are people that care about me and believe that I am worth it, no matter what I've done in my past. I am amazed at how many kids are out there searching for that same thing and acting out in order to get it. While others write these people off as troubled or hopeless, I now look at them with a different set of eyes. I think God helped get me through my struggles in order to share the message I learned with others beyond the world of eating disorders. After I graduate college I'd love to work with at risk youth and share the message that God shared with me...I believe in you, and you are worth it.

Realizations

So I finally decided to start a blog after I’ve had a lot of people ask about my experience over the past few years and what it took to get me where I am today. Maybe this blog will fall on deaf ears or maybe it can impact someone in their own fight, I’m not really sure.

The past week or so I can’t stop ruminating over the past two years. Exactly two years ago on the 28^th of October I checked into Laureate for my final try at treatment for my eating disorder. I had been hospitalized over 15 times the past few years, but my parents told me this was my last chance. My body was weaker than ever and I no longer had the mental capacity to fight this disease. I remember that day so vividly, driving myself to Tulsa thinking I did not need to be there, no way was I sick enough to go back into treatment. In reality my weight was at an all time low and I was almost in complete heart failure. I remember my first night there and I fell asleep crying, praying to God that he would take me in my sleep because I did not want to live anymore. Now I look back, two years later with a fresh set of eyes. I’m so thankful that God didn’t end my life but he instilled in me the will to fight.

Now food or my body isn’t even an afterthought in my mind. When I have a bad day my first reaction isn’t to restrict my calories. I have learned so much these past few years behind how to eat or not to hate my body. I’ve learned how to have healthy relationships with others, how to set boundaries, but most importantly I’ve learned how to be real. I’m no longer the girl with the fake smile plastered on her face because that’s what is expected of her.

I never knew that recovery was so much more than learning to eat and not hate my body. I am amazed at how many life lessons I learn every single day that continue to help me grow as a person. So in a nutshell, that’s what this blog is going to be about. The struggles and realizations I am experiencing years after I “learned how to eat”

I have finally regained the light in my eyes that was missing for so many years