This is Recovery

I wrote this a couple days ago after getting into an argument with someone. I wasn’t going to post it because I was embarrassed that these thoughts were even coming into my head but I think I need to share it. Recovery isn’t perfect and I’m sick of the misconception that once you gain weight you’re “better” and “cured”. I will go on to say that I did end up having dinner that night and after I sat down and wrote about it I felt a lot better knowing I got these thoughts out and could challenge them and recognize their irrationality. Recovery isn’t perfect and though these thoughts will haunt me for the rest of my life, I don’t have to act on them. This is recovery

It’s amazing how I can tell myself I’m in full recovery, I never think about food or weight anymore and I never have eating disordered thoughts. Then just one little thing happens, I get in an argument with someone and get pissed off and the first thought that pops into my head is well I’m not going to eat dinner tonight. It’s terrifying but also comforting at the same time.

This is the one thing I’ve always had. No one can hurt me because I’m already hurting myself. If you’re mad at me I’ll just focus on my body and numb myself out so I don’t have to feel. I’ll continue to whither away and you’ll feel sorry and wish you hadn’t said anything. It’s so scary that even years removed from treatment centers and using behaviors this thought is almost automatic at times. But the most fucked up thing is that this comforts me. Sometimes I get so worried that I don’t have the willpower to go back to my eating disorder and I’ve become a weak person by being like everyone else. I don’t have anything unique about me anymore and I need that one-foot out the back door, just in case I want to run back to it all. Knowing that I haven’t forgotten how to do it. 

I am being insane right now. I know logically I don’t want to go back to it all but there’s a voice inside my head whispering, “Kelly life is way too hard, you need to go back to the comfort of feeling your bones protruding and everyone walking around you on tip toes. You can finally have control again and don’t have to live in this chaotic world.”
I know all of these thoughts will pass in a few hours but right now I’m terrified and intrigued at the same time. I need someone to come slap some sense into me.

Today I can look back on this and say I'm proud of myself. That isn't something I do often but need to start. I have the amazing life I do today because of small little everyday victories that I often overlook. It's time I give myself credit for what I've overcome and begin look at these mishaps as opportunities to grow even stronger.

Two Worlds

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." –Marya Hornbacher

I love this quote. It really is two different worlds. Those in my world now don’t understand the madness I endured all those years. Spinning out of control with nothing to grasp onto. Waking up every morning hoping to feel my bones, because it was the only control I had. Seeing friends in their teenage years drop to the floor in cardiac arrest. Popping pills till my world went dark. Waking up everyday hating God for keeping me alive. This was my life and the only thing I was used to.

Now I am in the “real world” experiencing everyday mundane things. No longer taking care of friends in crisis, and especially no more worrying about food or weight. The drama in my life now consists of what I will wear to a party this weekend, or stressing about an upcoming test in class. 

I like to think I am no longer in the other chaotic world I once was, but truth is all it takes is a phone call to pull me back in. Not back into the behaviors, but into worrying every second of the day and wondering why I can’t save these people. Remembering the madness and wanting to pull them out of it like others did to me.

I am stuck in this parallel universe of wanting to be in life but hurting at the thought of my friends who aren’t. Racking my brain trying to think of something I can say or do that will make a difference. Tiptoeing on a tightrope trying not to fall back into that life. Will it ever stop?

I know like most things I must find a balance but right now it feels like a never-ending process. I will forever be pulled between these two worlds, trying to keep standing on my own two feet.