Progress Is Not Perfection

Tonight I got to hear Renee Yohe, who is the girl whom inspired the movement To Write Love On Her Arms, speak and tell her story. It really resonated with me and as soon as she began speaking I started to cry because everything she said is something that I have felt at one point or another in my life. That we are all doing anything we can to run away from the feelings inside of us rather than face them. Yesterday was the three year anniversary of me entering Castlewood after my final suicide attempt. I started crying in my car today as I was thinking about it, lying in the bed of ICU wondering if my family or friends were going to come see me, if they even cared if I had survived or not. Then getting on a plane the next day to St. Louis, yet another treatment center that I had prematurely deemed hopeless. The three years since then have been full of ups and downs, laughter and heartaches, but I have never experienced this much growth throughout my entire life. I can officially say I have been in recovery for 2 years now from my eating disorder and from self-injury. What I learned from hearing Renee speak tonight is that other people in recovery struggle with this idea that we need to become perfect and have all of our problems be in our past. I felt so relieved when she said she was speaking and giving her story once and felt an emptiness inside because she couldn’t tell anyone she was struggling. I am fortunate that I found the courage to tell someone and I didn’t have to fall too far in my own lapse. I get so caught up in being this role model to others for recovery and think my eating disorder is something in my past that it isn’t bubbling beneath the surface, waiting for me to succumb to it’s deception. I get so caught up in trying to help others, and giving them the tools to beat their own disease, while neglecting my own. For some reason many years ago I decided I was the one who could save everyone else, it didn’t matter if I needed to sacrifice myself along the way. It is something that is still engrained in my mind to this day and I have to remind myself that people look up to someone who is real and has struggles, who talks about what is hard but asks for guidance to work through it. It’s funny how we set such different standards for ourselves than what we expect out of others. How we verbally beat ourselves up day in and day out and don’t think twice about it. This is something I’ve got to work on, allowing myself to feel my emotions without judgments, so I don’t keep wandering this life running away from any feelings that scare me.

So these are my goals from here on out…be kinder to myself, don’t be afraid to tell people what I’m really feeling, and enjoy every day and be willing to take in each lesson God teaches me, and finally remember that I am not invincible.

3AM thoughts

Right now it’s 3am and I can’t sleep because my mind is racing. Not with anything bad just taking time to reflect on this semester so far. I still can’t believe a month ago I had gone back to starving myself for days at a time and now I’m sitting here in bed, after having an amazing night, thinking how blessed I am and how much I love everything in my life right now. I love that life is constantly changing and I’m meeting new people and discovering new things. I used to think recovery just meant stop using eating disordered behaviors but now I realize it’s about really engaging in life and learning things as I go along, which are sometimes good and sometimes bad. Sometimes people (myself included) get so caught up in needing everything right now. Saying I need to know my major and what job I’m going to have, I need a boyfriend to help me feel secure, I need a best friend and a daily routine that I’m comfortable with. But that’s not what life is at all. Why do we hate feeling uncomfortable and taking one step outside of our comfort zone? This past year I’ve found that taking big risks offers big rewards. Meeting new people and doing something completely new is one of my favorite things, as scary as it may seem.

In another direction but equally important, I’ve noticed something else this semester. Why oh why is everyone so insecure with themselves? I don’t know if it’s just because I spent five years of my life around chronic eating disorder patients that I had a skewed view of the outside world but this is something I’ve definitely taken note of. I hate how people have to constantly be so mean to each other or put another person or group down to make themselves feel better. We all get so caught up in thinking we’re the best that we forget other people have feelings too. A very wise person once told me don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides and that is something I put into practice to this day. Girls think it’s fine to call someone else a bitch or slut that they don’t even know, or whisper about something they “heard” about them, or stereotype or judge that person because they’re in a certain greek house. I wish people could get to know each other and look past the label of someone else. I’ll admit, I’ve prematurely judged others as well as been called a snob and not given the time of day, we’re all guilty of it but I wish we could come together to try and stop it. I know I’m being a little too idealistic this is just something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve seen too many people miss out on amazing experiences because they’d rather hold on to a silly perception. And while I know I can’t change anyone else I’m going to continually make an effort from hear on out to not perpetuate gossip, to not put someone down that I don’t even know, and to try and get to know as many people as I can. Because relationships are what make life amazing and I’d hate to miss out on something great because of my own insecurities and stubbornness.

Ok well it’s after 3 and I’m planning on getting up semi early to drive home to Texas to spend the day with my dad, because he’s my best friend and I miss him as corny as that sounds. Sorry if this blog post is random or doesn’t make sense, tonight is just one of those nights where I felt the need to write down the thoughts bouncing inside my head. 

Beauty in Balance

So I know my last blog was kind of depressing, it was also really hard for me to write that and admit that I was struggling again with something that I had told myself I’d never go back to. These past few weeks have definitely been challenging but I’ve continued to do things I told myself I could not do. I spoke up and asked for help, I started to set boundaries with people again, I forced myself to eat 3 meals a day, and I let myself cry and not always be the strong one for others. These are things I had learned to do in treatment but had fallen by the wayside these past few months as I put aside my coping skills and let my perfectionism take over. These days I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, not thinking about calories or my body, and truly laughing and enjoying life.

I’ve realized what set me back these past few months. I began to fall back into the mindset that I had to be there for everyone else and that’s the only way I would gain approval and friendship. I ignored emotions and began starving to numb out because it hurt too much to feel. Then the shame set in because I was supposed to be the example, the girl in recovery who never struggled with that again, the girl everyone looked up to and had a seemingly perfect life with her days of eating disorder and depression behind her. But now I’m realizing none of that is real. It’s not realistic to never struggle with something that was my main coping mechanism for so long. The difference is I don’t have to let it rule my life. I can see the warning signs and ask for help. I have too many things going for me to give up now, let my eating disorder rule my life and run back to treatment to escape when things get hard. And although it hurts to fight back I can already see that it is worth it.

I also want to thank all of my friends for encouraging me that it’s okay to struggle, and telling me that other’s look up to someone who is real and has struggles rather than someone with a smile plastered on her face. Now I can see that this journey will never be perfect, there will always be highs and lows, but no mater what happens I can get through it with help and support from others. I’m learning to find the beauty in balance and reminding myself how amazing it is to feel true joy.

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away” – Raymond Hull