So I know my last blog was kind of depressing, it was also really hard for me to write that and admit that I was struggling again with something that I had told myself I’d never go back to. These past few weeks have definitely been challenging but I’ve continued to do things I told myself I could not do. I spoke up and asked for help, I started to set boundaries with people again, I forced myself to eat 3 meals a day, and I let myself cry and not always be the strong one for others. These are things I had learned to do in treatment but had fallen by the wayside these past few months as I put aside my coping skills and let my perfectionism take over. These days I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, not thinking about calories or my body, and truly laughing and enjoying life.
I’ve realized what set me back these past few months. I began to fall back into the mindset that I had to be there for everyone else and that’s the only way I would gain approval and friendship. I ignored emotions and began starving to numb out because it hurt too much to feel. Then the shame set in because I was supposed to be the example, the girl in recovery who never struggled with that again, the girl everyone looked up to and had a seemingly perfect life with her days of eating disorder and depression behind her. But now I’m realizing none of that is real. It’s not realistic to never struggle with something that was my main coping mechanism for so long. The difference is I don’t have to let it rule my life. I can see the warning signs and ask for help. I have too many things going for me to give up now, let my eating disorder rule my life and run back to treatment to escape when things get hard. And although it hurts to fight back I can already see that it is worth it.
I also want to thank all of my friends for encouraging me that it’s okay to struggle, and telling me that other’s look up to someone who is real and has struggles rather than someone with a smile plastered on her face. Now I can see that this journey will never be perfect, there will always be highs and lows, but no mater what happens I can get through it with help and support from others. I’m learning to find the beauty in balance and reminding myself how amazing it is to feel true joy.
“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away” – Raymond Hull
Hey girl I remember I used to think I could NEVER go back even in the slightest and it was really hard when I had a slip but I have learned more than ever with the slips because they are telling me something. One of the slips I had last summer was because I started putting other people first and that is still so much of a struggle for me. I'm glad you are realizing it's ok and you are still an amazing person. I felt for awhile like I was supposed to be the one who was the example and I started realizing I felt like I was recovering for everyone ELSE It's not about anyone but US and what lives we choose to lead :) keep working hard
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