3AM thoughts

Right now it’s 3am and I can’t sleep because my mind is racing. Not with anything bad just taking time to reflect on this semester so far. I still can’t believe a month ago I had gone back to starving myself for days at a time and now I’m sitting here in bed, after having an amazing night, thinking how blessed I am and how much I love everything in my life right now. I love that life is constantly changing and I’m meeting new people and discovering new things. I used to think recovery just meant stop using eating disordered behaviors but now I realize it’s about really engaging in life and learning things as I go along, which are sometimes good and sometimes bad. Sometimes people (myself included) get so caught up in needing everything right now. Saying I need to know my major and what job I’m going to have, I need a boyfriend to help me feel secure, I need a best friend and a daily routine that I’m comfortable with. But that’s not what life is at all. Why do we hate feeling uncomfortable and taking one step outside of our comfort zone? This past year I’ve found that taking big risks offers big rewards. Meeting new people and doing something completely new is one of my favorite things, as scary as it may seem.

In another direction but equally important, I’ve noticed something else this semester. Why oh why is everyone so insecure with themselves? I don’t know if it’s just because I spent five years of my life around chronic eating disorder patients that I had a skewed view of the outside world but this is something I’ve definitely taken note of. I hate how people have to constantly be so mean to each other or put another person or group down to make themselves feel better. We all get so caught up in thinking we’re the best that we forget other people have feelings too. A very wise person once told me don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides and that is something I put into practice to this day. Girls think it’s fine to call someone else a bitch or slut that they don’t even know, or whisper about something they “heard” about them, or stereotype or judge that person because they’re in a certain greek house. I wish people could get to know each other and look past the label of someone else. I’ll admit, I’ve prematurely judged others as well as been called a snob and not given the time of day, we’re all guilty of it but I wish we could come together to try and stop it. I know I’m being a little too idealistic this is just something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve seen too many people miss out on amazing experiences because they’d rather hold on to a silly perception. And while I know I can’t change anyone else I’m going to continually make an effort from hear on out to not perpetuate gossip, to not put someone down that I don’t even know, and to try and get to know as many people as I can. Because relationships are what make life amazing and I’d hate to miss out on something great because of my own insecurities and stubbornness.

Ok well it’s after 3 and I’m planning on getting up semi early to drive home to Texas to spend the day with my dad, because he’s my best friend and I miss him as corny as that sounds. Sorry if this blog post is random or doesn’t make sense, tonight is just one of those nights where I felt the need to write down the thoughts bouncing inside my head.