I am not okay. That’s very hard for me to write. As some of you know I have a hard time ever asking for help, or admitting that something’s wrong which is not a good trait and ends with me in the place I am in right now. I am restricting again, okay that’s kind of a lie, I am skipping entire meals and going days without eating again. It’s only been the past couple of weeks but it’s terrifying me. I’m so used to being the girl that everyone comes to for help or advice, the girl that people look up to, so it’s hard to admit that I’m the one that may need others. The past couple of months I’ve gotten so caught up in taking care of everyone else’s problems and ignoring my own emotions that it’s begun to come out in my food. I am horribly ashamed to say this, I’ve always thought I’m over this; I’ve worked through it and should never struggle with it again. A good friend reminded me that this is something I had to fight for in hospitals for six years and it’s not something that will ever go away, and I know she’s right but I guess I just have different standards for myself. I tell myself I should never struggle, I should always have a smile on my face and be positive, and not break down or cry. I feel like I was such a sponge off of my loved ones back when I was at my sickest and I don’t ever want to go back to feeling needy, but I guess I’m going to have to learn to find a middle ground. I don’t want to continue withering away with a fake smile on my face attempting to convince others I’m fine until I become medically compromised again, and I don’t think my body can handle me putting it through this one more time. I don’t want to continue going down this path but I’m scared to ask for help, I’m scared to admit I need others help, and I’m scared of not feeling numb anymore. So this is why I’m writing this, when I started this blog I promised I’d be honest with y’all about my journey of recovery and I’ve come to accept this is part of my journey, but it doesn’t mean a relapse and negate anything I’ve done in the past few years. I am determined to keep my head up and keep going because I refuse to be defeated by this horrible disease.
“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fall.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am really proud of you for being honest about your struggles! I completly agree with you that it is important to find middle ground between totally depending on others and trying to do it all on your own and finding some balance between focusing only everyone else's needs and only looking at your needs. You ARE allowed to struggle sometimes- its what you do with that struggle that is important. do you let it take you back down the life-threatening path you've been down before, or do you face the struggles head-on? It sounds like you are trying to face them, and that is exactly what you need to do. During this time, take care of yourself the best you can and let others support you the way you always support them!! Never give up the fight!!
ReplyDeleteKel, I am so proud of you for being honest. So so so so proud. This is the real Kelly I know. You don't always have to be the one to care, let people hold you up and care for you right now. You have fought so hard and the eating disorder can seem like a comforting place to rest when things go awry and sometimes its hard to remember what rock bottom feels like. Please reach out right now, like you are now. Its ok to struggle. I promise. We're all human. <3
ReplyDeleteKelly I am glad you wrote this because I think people, including myself for awhile, have this idea of recovery and what it is like. That maybe the first time you use a slight symptom you aren't in recovery anymore and no one can look up to you. I used to believe that but now I realize it is those people that are the ones that are real and fighting and in recovery. It really IS a process as much as I even hate to admit that. I did SO well the first year and when I started having some slips after that year I hated myself. I was jealous of everyone who was doing "perfectly" and how much everyone looked up to them. But now I realize more each day that this is a fight that will take time and doesn't happen all at once. It gets better. It gets better every time we learn from some type of slip- ED or therapeutic or whatever. THAT is what recovery is. It is fighting this battle every day as best you can. And honestly there are some days you can't fight well. It sucks and it's scary but true. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help- that is when you find your true supports. Don't ever give up no matter how hard things get- it is ok to take a few steps that aren't forward- but that doesn't mean they are back- it means they are sideways and the path is NOT straight. The journey is bumpy and slippery and you need other people and to just not give up. Sorry that was long :) Love ya and I still expect that skype date...I'm here all week
ReplyDeleteI have Skype too... ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd just to let you guys know (you and Jennee) I used to ENVY both of you. I felt inferior to both of you and like I wasn't living up to the standards of recovery you two had set or something. It is good to read your blogs and see both of you be real, it is more empowering and authentic. I love you both... and it is okay for both of you to struggle. Life will always have its struggles, and we will always have to work at it to respond to them.
No one has to have a perfect recovery or be positive all of the time. Just because you can't be positive all of the time, doesn't mean you are going to automatically be negative all of the time. There is a middle ground of being real... and that is a beautiful place to be. ;)
I love you Les! I still get jealous of the attention I feel like the "perfect" recoveries get but I'm realizing more that that isn't real. I am so proud of both of you (and everyone else regardless) :) I think recovery is already worth it to us all and I believe it only gets more worth it as we go so let's do this and I'm always here for you guys :)
ReplyDeleteyou can do this. i believe in you.
ReplyDelete