Two Worlds

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." –Marya Hornbacher

I love this quote. It really is two different worlds. Those in my world now don’t understand the madness I endured all those years. Spinning out of control with nothing to grasp onto. Waking up every morning hoping to feel my bones, because it was the only control I had. Seeing friends in their teenage years drop to the floor in cardiac arrest. Popping pills till my world went dark. Waking up everyday hating God for keeping me alive. This was my life and the only thing I was used to.

Now I am in the “real world” experiencing everyday mundane things. No longer taking care of friends in crisis, and especially no more worrying about food or weight. The drama in my life now consists of what I will wear to a party this weekend, or stressing about an upcoming test in class. 

I like to think I am no longer in the other chaotic world I once was, but truth is all it takes is a phone call to pull me back in. Not back into the behaviors, but into worrying every second of the day and wondering why I can’t save these people. Remembering the madness and wanting to pull them out of it like others did to me.

I am stuck in this parallel universe of wanting to be in life but hurting at the thought of my friends who aren’t. Racking my brain trying to think of something I can say or do that will make a difference. Tiptoeing on a tightrope trying not to fall back into that life. Will it ever stop?

I know like most things I must find a balance but right now it feels like a never-ending process. I will forever be pulled between these two worlds, trying to keep standing on my own two feet.