So I know I haven’t posted in a while and I think that’s because I haven’t been sure what to say. A lot of things have been happening in my life. Some good, some bad, all of them have taught me a lesson.
The first lesson I’m learning is how to maintain friendships when the world around you is changing? I’ve met so many amazing people throughout my journey but sometimes I think I get too comfortable with my inner circle, and something happens that forces it to change. How do you maintain the connection with that person when a physical shift occurs? Friends move away, people change, but how do you transition to new roles when that person has been your main support for so long? Are you supposed to accept it or fight to maintain it? Also another things that’s come up is when you realize there are people in your group of friends that may have conflicting values. How do I retain my integrity and principles when I am in this situation? It’s so easy to get sucked into the gossip and pettiness, but it’s a fight to maintain the individualism I’ve searched for so long. This is when I see the real growth I’ve had in the past year. I’m no longer some wandering soul looking for somewhere to fit in, I know who I am and what I stand for and I will not let anyone take that away from me. Now the only challenge is allowing those qualities I’ve developed to shine and not blend into the background.
Sorry if none of this makes sense, I don’t want to go into specifics or mention names just rather say some of the general struggles I am experiencing in this wonderful thing called recovery.
Another thing I’ve been struggling with is how much contact do I allow with people from my past, those from the “eating disorder world”? Now that I’m healthy I think I trick myself into thinking I can talk to some of these people, even though they are very sick, and still be okay. These people were some who sat by my side during my toughest times in inpatient treatment, when I was still so fragile, yet I must remember that things are different now. It’s so easy to forget that my life used to be consumed with “taking care” of those individuals, many just as sick as myself, with the hope that I can save them. A large part of me still wants to help them, yet I’m quickly reminded with the reality that I cannot save anyone. Especially those still in the depths of their disease. And as much as it hurts to see their pain, and sometimes wonder in the back of my mind who will be the next to succumb to death while in the midst of their fight, I must continue to live in my current world with a reminder that living my life and leading by example is the best thing I can do for these people.
Over Christmas break I am going to go back to St. Louis to visit some of the people at Castlewood who helped save my life, and maybe sit in on a few groups and give my advice, experience, and hope to those still searching for a way out of this disease. Because there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not reminded why God brought me through my struggles, to help those around me. It’s just when I wonder how to help where it gets a little muddled.
I saw the movie "country strong" tonight and it made me think a lot about the journey I've had and the journey of others I've had the privilege of being a part of and I just wanted to end this post with a snippet of lyrics from the song "timing is everything" by trace adkins from the movie, because it kind of sums up a lot of feelings for me.
You know I’ve had close calls
When it could’ve been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn’t my time
Timing is everythingI could’ve been the child that God took home
I would’ve been one more unfinished song
And when it seems the rhyme is hard to find
That’s when one comes a long
Just in time
Timing is everything
Hi Kelly!
ReplyDeleteI think you raised a lot of issues many people in recovery face. It's very difficult to let go of that caretaking "part" (hello Castlewood speak!) and focus on your own needs. But I believe that's the key. When you're far enough along in recovery, it becomes easier to recognize those people who don't provide the best influence, and those who do need caretaking. Your own recovery, and development of your individuality, is so much more important that providing for the needs of others. Sometimes, the best friend you can be is to let go and allow others to find their own path.
Good luck with your check-in at Castlewood. I went back twice after being discharged and those brief stays really helped keep me on track. I've been in recovery for a solid year...life could not be better. I'm so impressed with your strength, determination, and insight!
Elissa (I hope you remember me from treatment...another Texas girl!)