The Truth

I am not okay. That’s very hard for me to write. As some of you know I have a hard time ever asking for help, or admitting that something’s wrong which is not a good trait and ends with me in the place I am in right now. I am restricting again, okay that’s kind of a lie, I am skipping entire meals and going days without eating again. It’s only been the past couple of weeks but it’s terrifying me. I’m so used to being the girl that everyone comes to for help or advice, the girl that people look up to, so it’s hard to admit that I’m the one that may need others. The past couple of months I’ve gotten so caught up in taking care of everyone else’s problems and ignoring my own emotions that it’s begun to come out in my food. I am horribly ashamed to say this, I’ve always thought I’m over this; I’ve worked through it and should never struggle with it again. A good friend reminded me that this is something I had to fight for in hospitals for six years and it’s not something that will ever go away, and I know she’s right but I guess I just have different standards for myself. I tell myself I should never struggle, I should always have a smile on my face and be positive, and not break down or cry. I feel like I was such a sponge off of my loved ones back when I was at my sickest and I don’t ever want to go back to feeling needy, but I guess I’m going to have to learn to find a middle ground. I don’t want to continue withering away with a fake smile on my face attempting to convince others I’m fine until I become medically compromised again, and I don’t think my body can handle me putting it through this one more time. I don’t want to continue going down this path but I’m scared to ask for help, I’m scared to admit I need others help, and I’m scared of not feeling numb anymore. So this is why I’m writing this, when I started this blog I promised I’d be honest with y’all about my journey of recovery and I’ve come to accept this is part of my journey, but it doesn’t mean a relapse and negate anything I’ve done in the past few years. I am determined to keep my head up and keep going because I refuse to be defeated by this horrible disease.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fall.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I need to start doing better about this blogging thing. The reason I haven’t written is because I tell myself if I don’t have anything happy and uplifting to write I shouldn’t write anything because then people will be disappointed in me. So rather than allowing myself to write about what’s really been going on I’ve been bottling it all up, stuffing it way down in my gut, and forcing a fake smile on my face. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you all how well that plan has worked for me.

I guess it all started a few weeks ago. I of course got sick again and had to go back to my second home, urgent care. Now before I go on I should tell you that I haven’t known my weight in over two and a half years. I’m fine with my body but the number completely effs with my head. Well I get on the scale backwards at urgent care and the nurse says it out loud after I explicitly tell her not to. Now for a normal person who hasn’t spent 6 years of her life in a hospital because she almost starved herself to death this would be fine, but for me this was huge. After the Dr. wrote me my prescription I got in my car and had the most epic breakdown I’ve probably had in years. I’m talking ugly cry, calling my dad and telling him I’m going to lose 30 pounds, and locking myself in my room. After about half an hour of this I came to my senses. Kelly, you have spent 6 years of your life in treatment centers, have almost died countless times and are finally living a happy and fulfilling life? Yet somehow knowing that number makes me want to go back to it all. And it’s not that I even hate my body anymore at all, yet something so small makes me want to go back to having a feeding tube up my nose. Craziness. So you know what I did? I let myself finish crying, and went to dinner with one of my friends. Because when you look at the big picture, yes I can be upset and it can trigger me but I’m not going to let myself go back to it all after I’ve worked this hard, I am worth more than a number. At first I didn’t want to tell anyone about this incident, then I realized I needed to share this, because being in recovery doesn’t mean never freaking out about things, it only means learning to handle them in a non destructive way.

Other than that I’ve been getting stressed out with school and extra curricular stuff, and also finding out that old friends are struggling again which upsets me more than anything. But every time something gets to me I just tell myself I can handle it all, and I shouldn’t be upset or cry. I am in recovery now, which means life should be great, nothing should stress me out, and I should be a support for everyone. That’s completely rational right? It seems so silly writing this now but it’s a belief that is rooted so deeply within me that I need to remind myself isn’t true. Life isn’t perfect, I’m going to have bad days, people are going to hurt me, but I can experience it, learn from it, and move on.

I’m so thankful I have wonderful friends who can remind me at times like these and encourage me. When I look back at these past few weeks, I have had a lot of wonderful things happen to me as well. I’ve reconnected with a few old friends who have gone on to live happy lives free from their disease, I’ve been asked to speak to a college class and share my story, I got to walk in the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week walk with friends in recovery, I’ve gotten to know new sorority sisters and bond with old ones. Overall, life is amazing and I'm so blessed to be celebrating my two years of no symptoms next month, and be getting to live my life and experience new things every day.
I guess the moral of the story is I don’t have to keep up a perfect appearance all the time to be an inspiration to people or to be a leader. People don’t look up to people who are fake or pretend to have it all together, they want to be friends with people who are real. So that is what I’m going to continue to try and be.

A good friend from one of my treatment centers gave me this quote one time when I was struggling with this concept years ago. And it could not be put any more perfectly

“It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." – the velveteen rabbit

Happy Birthday to Me

So it’s officially my birthday! I'm 23 wow. (I won’t be admitting that much haha)

The last few days I’ve been kind of pessimistic about turning 23, always comparing myself to where I think I should be in my life. I haven’t had the cookie cutter road that a lot of my friends have. I didn’t get to walk across the stage when I graduated high school, I didn’t get to go off to college that fall, and I didn’t get to go to a bar and have all my friend’s buy me shots when I turned 21.I’m not saying this to get pity, I think I just always tell myself and others that I took a different path in life and I’m fine with that but in reality it’s easier to say that confidently than to deal with the fact that I am kind of sad and embarrassed that I’m “behind.” I hate that I let it get to me, but I more so hate the fact that I spent so many years wanting to die that I would give anything to get back and live.

It’s time to stop wishing I could get the past back and focus on right now. I know I haven’t blogged in a month so some of you don’t know what’s been happening with me but I’ve had a lot of exciting opportunities. I was elected Vice President of my sorority and improved my GPA tremendously last semester. I’ve been able to make new friends, reconnect with some old ones and really step into who I am as a person without my eating disorder. This is the first time in my life that I can truly say there is no going back.

It’s time for me to let go and let God show me what he has planned for me in this next year of my life. Because if I don’t stop trying to relive the past I’m going to miss what’s great about right now.

walk down memory lane

So being back at Castlewood has been such an amazing experience. It's been wonderful to see all the people who believed in me and made such an impact on my recovery. But it's been so difficult to see all the girls here who are still struggling with their eating disorders. It made me reminisce to my time here, and although it's sometimes hard to remember how bad those times really were, I was able to find some old therapy assignments on my computer which really took me back to what I was feeling in those months and years.

This is something I wrote April of 2008, the first time I came to Castlewood. I had just gotten here after I had spent a week in ICU after trying to take my own life.

Why am I a lost cause? Mostly because this is the message I get from people in my life. There are those few that say they have hope but they don’t really know the depth of the issue. I don’t have the resources to stay in recovery, I don’t have a plan set up for what to do with my life or a dream of who I want to be, I don’t have a stable system of supportive friends to help me through rough times, and I don’t have a family who is willing to or even understands how to pick me up when I fall. I am so easily swayed by other people and what they think is best for me that I don’t think for my own so I am constantly misguided by others judgments. I don’t have hope for myself, I can’t see myself recovered and living a life other than this and maybe I don’t want to. I am constantly seeing images of other girls trying and failing and this doesn’t make me optimistic for my future. Hearing those statistics, 1 in 8 just makes me so much less hopeful, and especially watching them come true before my very eyes, without really noticing any differences between these girls actions and my own. I feel like so many people have tried to help me and I’ve searched for help and guidance in so many ways but have never gotten what I needed or something that has seemed to work. It works for other girls but for some reason not me. and it’s not that I don’t try, because I truly truly do. Do you think I want to be a lost cause? No. but for right now I can sit here and point to the girls who are going to recover and one of those is not me. too many things hinder my recovery and happiness, and maybe I let some of those things take place and am putting barriers in my way but right now it’s the only way I know how to get compassion or to feel needed by someone or some sense of safety. I feel that I will be dead in a year, not by my body giving out on me, but of my own doing. I know how deeply things effect me and how much I lock those inside and let them expand until I explode. Something that can seem so trivial can make me severely depressed and when I get in this mindset I don’t have the will to live. I need a release from all of this pain, and a real release not just temporary soothing. I’m so compulsive and when a thought pops into my mind I find myself doing outrageous things. Its like I become a different person and someone else takes over me, forcing me to do these self destructing acts. I know I am not invincible. I know that someone won’t be there to save me every single time. Something is going to happen and it is going to set me over the edge, and this time someone won’t be able to stop me, my emotions will get the best of me and I will succumb to my sickness. Experiencing the untimely death I deserve. But hey, maybe people will care or understand or even pay attention when I am gone. I won’t be invisible anymore.

Yes I wrote these words and felt them deeply. I literally had no hope and was praying every day that God would put me out of my misery. It's hard to pinpoint what exactly happened between then and now, but there was something in me that gave me the will to fight. So that's why I'm here in St. Louis, telling these girls that are terrified to eat a meal and have lived their lives in and out of treatment centers and hospitals that I was once in their shoes, and it's possible to have a different life. Recovery is possible for every single person. I remember doctors telling me that I wouldn't live past the age of 21. I am here today a month away from being 23 years old, and for the first time in my life I am happy, healthy, and living a life free of an eating disorder.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10

2010

I cannot believe this year is about to be over

As I look back I can honestly say this has been one of the best years of my life.

While a year ago I was still unsure in my recovery I can safely say that is no longer the case.

This year I was finally able to experience life in a way that I never have before. No longer focused on my body or the judgment of others I was able to let my true personality shine and learn to be loved for who I truly am, not for what I can offer others around me.

I’ve learned what it’s like to be in my body free of any self-criticism, I’ve learned to enjoy food and respect that my body needs it for nourishment, not as a form of punishment.

I’ve been able to let go of the unrealistic expectations for my family, and begun to form a family of choice with amazing friends who have always been willing to stand by my side.

I’ve experienced what it’s like to cry, but instead of alone I’ve been able to lean on those around me and let them ease my pain. I now know what it’s like to truly laugh, not because I’m supposed to but because I have experienced true joy deep within my soul.

I’ve also learned how to support others. Not in my usual codependent unhealthy way but recognizing my limitations and boundaries. I no longer feel the need to “fix” everyone’s problems, rather give them a shoulder to cry on much like they have done for me.

I’ve been so blessed with amazing supportive people around me while I’ve been relearning so many aspects of life. Although my journey has been anything but easy I wouldn’t change a thing about it. For every hardship has brought unimaginable growth.

I am looking forward to 2011 and the challenges and blessings it will bring me. I know God has big plans for me and I can’t wait to begin to see them unfold.

For everyone who reads this and has been in my life throughout the past years in one way or another I cannot find the words to thank you enough. I hope that in this next year I can begin to be as great of a friend as you have all been to me. 

Perfection

So Sarah and I saw the movie Black Swan tonight and it centered on an interesting theme and got me thinking. Perfection. Why is this something we all try so hard to achieve? Whether in school, work, hobbies, social life. Everyone says the ol’ saying “practice makes perfect” but is perfection something that is even attainable? Why do we twist and mold ourselves into something so distant from our true selves just to gain a supposed validation of others? Is there really something so inheritantly wrong with us that we are not okay the way we are, or are we trying to fulfill an unrealistic goal? There has got to be a point where we just say ENOUGH and learn to love ourselves. That moment finally happened for me, after years of therapy and treatment centers I finally realized that nothing I can do would change someone’s feelings or actions toward me and I had to be the one to tell myself there was nothing wrong with me, I was fine just the way I was. Yet I’ve seen others die in pursuit of this supposed “perfection” Is there such a thing as a breaking point?

I was looking for quotes on this subject and I came across this one.

“The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement” George Will

This sums it up perfectly for me. If we spend our lives trying to achieve the unattainable we miss what is right in front of our eyes. It is time we stop giving our power away to others and accept our flaws and defects. We need to stop looking for love in all the unfeasible places and learn to love ourselves. Because that is the only way to truly have peace.

Adaptation

So I know I haven’t posted in a while and I think that’s because I haven’t been sure what to say. A lot of things have been happening in my life. Some good, some bad, all of them have taught me a lesson.

The first lesson I’m learning is how to maintain friendships when the world around you is changing? I’ve met so many amazing people throughout my journey but sometimes I think I get too comfortable with my inner circle, and something happens that forces it to change. How do you maintain the connection with that person when a physical shift occurs?  Friends move away, people change, but how do you transition to new roles when that person has been your main support for so long? Are you supposed to accept it or fight to maintain it? Also another things that’s come up is when you realize there are people in your group of friends that may have conflicting values. How do I retain my integrity and principles when I am in this situation? It’s so easy to get sucked into the gossip and pettiness, but it’s a fight to maintain the individualism I’ve searched for so long. This is when I see the real growth I’ve had in the past year. I’m no longer some wandering soul looking for somewhere to fit in, I know who I am and what I stand for and I will not let anyone take that away from me. Now the only challenge is allowing those qualities I’ve developed to shine and not blend into the background.

Sorry if none of this makes sense, I don’t want to go into specifics or mention names just rather say some of the general struggles I am experiencing in this wonderful thing called recovery.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is how much contact do I allow with people from my past, those from the “eating disorder world”? Now that I’m healthy I think I trick myself into thinking I can talk to some of these people, even though they are very sick, and still be okay. These people were some who sat by my side during my toughest times in inpatient treatment, when I was still so fragile, yet I must remember that things are different now. It’s so easy to forget that my life used to be consumed with “taking care” of those individuals, many just as sick as myself, with the hope that I can save them.  A large part of me still wants to help them, yet I’m quickly reminded with the reality that I cannot save anyone. Especially those still in the depths of their disease. And as much as it hurts to see their pain, and sometimes wonder in the back of my mind who will be the next to succumb to death while in the midst of their fight, I must continue to live in my current world with a reminder that living my life and leading by example is the best thing I can do for these people.

Over Christmas break I am going to go back to St. Louis to visit some of the people at Castlewood who helped save my life, and maybe sit in on a few groups and give my advice, experience, and hope to those still searching for a way out of this disease. Because there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not reminded why God brought me through my struggles, to help those around me. It’s just when I wonder how to help where it gets a little muddled.

I saw the movie "country strong" tonight and it made me think a lot about the journey I've had and the journey of others I've had the privilege of being a part of and I just wanted to end this post with a snippet of lyrics from the song "timing is everything" by trace adkins from the movie, because it kind of sums up a lot of feelings for me.

You know I’ve had close calls
When it could’ve been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn’t my time
Timing is everything

I could’ve been the child that God took home
I would’ve been one more unfinished song
And when it seems the rhyme is hard to find
That’s when one comes a long
Just in time
Timing is everything