walk down memory lane

So being back at Castlewood has been such an amazing experience. It's been wonderful to see all the people who believed in me and made such an impact on my recovery. But it's been so difficult to see all the girls here who are still struggling with their eating disorders. It made me reminisce to my time here, and although it's sometimes hard to remember how bad those times really were, I was able to find some old therapy assignments on my computer which really took me back to what I was feeling in those months and years.

This is something I wrote April of 2008, the first time I came to Castlewood. I had just gotten here after I had spent a week in ICU after trying to take my own life.

Why am I a lost cause? Mostly because this is the message I get from people in my life. There are those few that say they have hope but they don’t really know the depth of the issue. I don’t have the resources to stay in recovery, I don’t have a plan set up for what to do with my life or a dream of who I want to be, I don’t have a stable system of supportive friends to help me through rough times, and I don’t have a family who is willing to or even understands how to pick me up when I fall. I am so easily swayed by other people and what they think is best for me that I don’t think for my own so I am constantly misguided by others judgments. I don’t have hope for myself, I can’t see myself recovered and living a life other than this and maybe I don’t want to. I am constantly seeing images of other girls trying and failing and this doesn’t make me optimistic for my future. Hearing those statistics, 1 in 8 just makes me so much less hopeful, and especially watching them come true before my very eyes, without really noticing any differences between these girls actions and my own. I feel like so many people have tried to help me and I’ve searched for help and guidance in so many ways but have never gotten what I needed or something that has seemed to work. It works for other girls but for some reason not me. and it’s not that I don’t try, because I truly truly do. Do you think I want to be a lost cause? No. but for right now I can sit here and point to the girls who are going to recover and one of those is not me. too many things hinder my recovery and happiness, and maybe I let some of those things take place and am putting barriers in my way but right now it’s the only way I know how to get compassion or to feel needed by someone or some sense of safety. I feel that I will be dead in a year, not by my body giving out on me, but of my own doing. I know how deeply things effect me and how much I lock those inside and let them expand until I explode. Something that can seem so trivial can make me severely depressed and when I get in this mindset I don’t have the will to live. I need a release from all of this pain, and a real release not just temporary soothing. I’m so compulsive and when a thought pops into my mind I find myself doing outrageous things. Its like I become a different person and someone else takes over me, forcing me to do these self destructing acts. I know I am not invincible. I know that someone won’t be there to save me every single time. Something is going to happen and it is going to set me over the edge, and this time someone won’t be able to stop me, my emotions will get the best of me and I will succumb to my sickness. Experiencing the untimely death I deserve. But hey, maybe people will care or understand or even pay attention when I am gone. I won’t be invisible anymore.

Yes I wrote these words and felt them deeply. I literally had no hope and was praying every day that God would put me out of my misery. It's hard to pinpoint what exactly happened between then and now, but there was something in me that gave me the will to fight. So that's why I'm here in St. Louis, telling these girls that are terrified to eat a meal and have lived their lives in and out of treatment centers and hospitals that I was once in their shoes, and it's possible to have a different life. Recovery is possible for every single person. I remember doctors telling me that I wouldn't live past the age of 21. I am here today a month away from being 23 years old, and for the first time in my life I am happy, healthy, and living a life free of an eating disorder.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10

2010

I cannot believe this year is about to be over

As I look back I can honestly say this has been one of the best years of my life.

While a year ago I was still unsure in my recovery I can safely say that is no longer the case.

This year I was finally able to experience life in a way that I never have before. No longer focused on my body or the judgment of others I was able to let my true personality shine and learn to be loved for who I truly am, not for what I can offer others around me.

I’ve learned what it’s like to be in my body free of any self-criticism, I’ve learned to enjoy food and respect that my body needs it for nourishment, not as a form of punishment.

I’ve been able to let go of the unrealistic expectations for my family, and begun to form a family of choice with amazing friends who have always been willing to stand by my side.

I’ve experienced what it’s like to cry, but instead of alone I’ve been able to lean on those around me and let them ease my pain. I now know what it’s like to truly laugh, not because I’m supposed to but because I have experienced true joy deep within my soul.

I’ve also learned how to support others. Not in my usual codependent unhealthy way but recognizing my limitations and boundaries. I no longer feel the need to “fix” everyone’s problems, rather give them a shoulder to cry on much like they have done for me.

I’ve been so blessed with amazing supportive people around me while I’ve been relearning so many aspects of life. Although my journey has been anything but easy I wouldn’t change a thing about it. For every hardship has brought unimaginable growth.

I am looking forward to 2011 and the challenges and blessings it will bring me. I know God has big plans for me and I can’t wait to begin to see them unfold.

For everyone who reads this and has been in my life throughout the past years in one way or another I cannot find the words to thank you enough. I hope that in this next year I can begin to be as great of a friend as you have all been to me. 

Perfection

So Sarah and I saw the movie Black Swan tonight and it centered on an interesting theme and got me thinking. Perfection. Why is this something we all try so hard to achieve? Whether in school, work, hobbies, social life. Everyone says the ol’ saying “practice makes perfect” but is perfection something that is even attainable? Why do we twist and mold ourselves into something so distant from our true selves just to gain a supposed validation of others? Is there really something so inheritantly wrong with us that we are not okay the way we are, or are we trying to fulfill an unrealistic goal? There has got to be a point where we just say ENOUGH and learn to love ourselves. That moment finally happened for me, after years of therapy and treatment centers I finally realized that nothing I can do would change someone’s feelings or actions toward me and I had to be the one to tell myself there was nothing wrong with me, I was fine just the way I was. Yet I’ve seen others die in pursuit of this supposed “perfection” Is there such a thing as a breaking point?

I was looking for quotes on this subject and I came across this one.

“The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement” George Will

This sums it up perfectly for me. If we spend our lives trying to achieve the unattainable we miss what is right in front of our eyes. It is time we stop giving our power away to others and accept our flaws and defects. We need to stop looking for love in all the unfeasible places and learn to love ourselves. Because that is the only way to truly have peace.

Adaptation

So I know I haven’t posted in a while and I think that’s because I haven’t been sure what to say. A lot of things have been happening in my life. Some good, some bad, all of them have taught me a lesson.

The first lesson I’m learning is how to maintain friendships when the world around you is changing? I’ve met so many amazing people throughout my journey but sometimes I think I get too comfortable with my inner circle, and something happens that forces it to change. How do you maintain the connection with that person when a physical shift occurs?  Friends move away, people change, but how do you transition to new roles when that person has been your main support for so long? Are you supposed to accept it or fight to maintain it? Also another things that’s come up is when you realize there are people in your group of friends that may have conflicting values. How do I retain my integrity and principles when I am in this situation? It’s so easy to get sucked into the gossip and pettiness, but it’s a fight to maintain the individualism I’ve searched for so long. This is when I see the real growth I’ve had in the past year. I’m no longer some wandering soul looking for somewhere to fit in, I know who I am and what I stand for and I will not let anyone take that away from me. Now the only challenge is allowing those qualities I’ve developed to shine and not blend into the background.

Sorry if none of this makes sense, I don’t want to go into specifics or mention names just rather say some of the general struggles I am experiencing in this wonderful thing called recovery.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is how much contact do I allow with people from my past, those from the “eating disorder world”? Now that I’m healthy I think I trick myself into thinking I can talk to some of these people, even though they are very sick, and still be okay. These people were some who sat by my side during my toughest times in inpatient treatment, when I was still so fragile, yet I must remember that things are different now. It’s so easy to forget that my life used to be consumed with “taking care” of those individuals, many just as sick as myself, with the hope that I can save them.  A large part of me still wants to help them, yet I’m quickly reminded with the reality that I cannot save anyone. Especially those still in the depths of their disease. And as much as it hurts to see their pain, and sometimes wonder in the back of my mind who will be the next to succumb to death while in the midst of their fight, I must continue to live in my current world with a reminder that living my life and leading by example is the best thing I can do for these people.

Over Christmas break I am going to go back to St. Louis to visit some of the people at Castlewood who helped save my life, and maybe sit in on a few groups and give my advice, experience, and hope to those still searching for a way out of this disease. Because there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not reminded why God brought me through my struggles, to help those around me. It’s just when I wonder how to help where it gets a little muddled.

I saw the movie "country strong" tonight and it made me think a lot about the journey I've had and the journey of others I've had the privilege of being a part of and I just wanted to end this post with a snippet of lyrics from the song "timing is everything" by trace adkins from the movie, because it kind of sums up a lot of feelings for me.

You know I’ve had close calls
When it could’ve been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn’t my time
Timing is everything

I could’ve been the child that God took home
I would’ve been one more unfinished song
And when it seems the rhyme is hard to find
That’s when one comes a long
Just in time
Timing is everything

Passion

So I've been thinking a lot about what my passion in life is. Since my life is no longer consumed by an eating disorder and I am no longer disillusioned by thinking I am meant to cure the world of anorexia and bulimia I've been contemplating what I am truly passionate about, until I came across this video.


One Heart Movie from Eterne Films on Vimeo.

Every time I watch this video I get goosebumps. It's such a simple concept, believing in someone. Yet it's something I've struggled with my whole life. Never thinking I was good enough for anyone and doing anything possible, including almost killing myself, just to get someone to tell me that they loved me or they cared. It wasn't until I went into treatment this last time that I realized there are people that care about me and believe that I am worth it, no matter what I've done in my past. I am amazed at how many kids are out there searching for that same thing and acting out in order to get it. While others write these people off as troubled or hopeless, I now look at them with a different set of eyes. I think God helped get me through my struggles in order to share the message I learned with others beyond the world of eating disorders. After I graduate college I'd love to work with at risk youth and share the message that God shared with me...I believe in you, and you are worth it.

Realizations

So I finally decided to start a blog after I’ve had a lot of people ask about my experience over the past few years and what it took to get me where I am today. Maybe this blog will fall on deaf ears or maybe it can impact someone in their own fight, I’m not really sure.

The past week or so I can’t stop ruminating over the past two years. Exactly two years ago on the 28^th of October I checked into Laureate for my final try at treatment for my eating disorder. I had been hospitalized over 15 times the past few years, but my parents told me this was my last chance. My body was weaker than ever and I no longer had the mental capacity to fight this disease. I remember that day so vividly, driving myself to Tulsa thinking I did not need to be there, no way was I sick enough to go back into treatment. In reality my weight was at an all time low and I was almost in complete heart failure. I remember my first night there and I fell asleep crying, praying to God that he would take me in my sleep because I did not want to live anymore. Now I look back, two years later with a fresh set of eyes. I’m so thankful that God didn’t end my life but he instilled in me the will to fight.

Now food or my body isn’t even an afterthought in my mind. When I have a bad day my first reaction isn’t to restrict my calories. I have learned so much these past few years behind how to eat or not to hate my body. I’ve learned how to have healthy relationships with others, how to set boundaries, but most importantly I’ve learned how to be real. I’m no longer the girl with the fake smile plastered on her face because that’s what is expected of her.

I never knew that recovery was so much more than learning to eat and not hate my body. I am amazed at how many life lessons I learn every single day that continue to help me grow as a person. So in a nutshell, that’s what this blog is going to be about. The struggles and realizations I am experiencing years after I “learned how to eat”

I have finally regained the light in my eyes that was missing for so many years