Two Worlds

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." –Marya Hornbacher

I love this quote. It really is two different worlds. Those in my world now don’t understand the madness I endured all those years. Spinning out of control with nothing to grasp onto. Waking up every morning hoping to feel my bones, because it was the only control I had. Seeing friends in their teenage years drop to the floor in cardiac arrest. Popping pills till my world went dark. Waking up everyday hating God for keeping me alive. This was my life and the only thing I was used to.

Now I am in the “real world” experiencing everyday mundane things. No longer taking care of friends in crisis, and especially no more worrying about food or weight. The drama in my life now consists of what I will wear to a party this weekend, or stressing about an upcoming test in class. 

I like to think I am no longer in the other chaotic world I once was, but truth is all it takes is a phone call to pull me back in. Not back into the behaviors, but into worrying every second of the day and wondering why I can’t save these people. Remembering the madness and wanting to pull them out of it like others did to me.

I am stuck in this parallel universe of wanting to be in life but hurting at the thought of my friends who aren’t. Racking my brain trying to think of something I can say or do that will make a difference. Tiptoeing on a tightrope trying not to fall back into that life. Will it ever stop?

I know like most things I must find a balance but right now it feels like a never-ending process. I will forever be pulled between these two worlds, trying to keep standing on my own two feet.

Grateful

Right now I am crying. No not because the rangers just lost the World Series, the reason I’d normally be crying for but because I’m thinking back on where I used to be and how thankful I am.

 Three years ago today I was admitted to Laureate at my lowest weight, out of my mind on ephedra, and wanting more than anything for God to end my pain and let my body give out from this disease I no longer had the strength to fight.

When I first got there I was confined to a wheel chair at all times, my heart had such a bad arrhythmia they were worried that even standing up to walk to the bathroom would cause me to go into cardiac arrest and die.

I didn’t realize how close to death I really was. How could I be? Three days ago I was performing a cheer routine and two days ago I was walking 2 miles in a parade, I was fine.

It wasn’t until now, years later, that I look back and am so grateful to be alive, for the people who chose to fight for me when I had let them down so many times before, and the Drs who didn’t give up when I kept telling them that I was a lost cause.

It is realizing all of this, how lucky I really am that I’m deciding to change the way I’m living. I’m not longer getting caught up in petty drama that doesn’t matter, I’m no longer staying in relationships that aren’t true friendships, I’m no longer letting people use me because I’m convinced I have nothing else to offer. I’ve wasted too many years of my life that I can’t get back and I’m done doing things I regret later.

So from now on this is a new Kelly. Done with the bullshit, done with the drama, so if that’s all you bring you are officially out of my life.

I’m ready to truly start living, because I deserve it.

Supposed To

I thought no longer being in hospitals or treatment centers, no longer being consumed by racing thoughts of food and disgust with my body everyday, and no longer feeling too weak to even get out of bed was supposed to make things better. Supposed to make me happier. Supposed to make me enjoy life again.

I wish I could say it has, but recently I’ve felt more defeated than ever. No I am not back to engaging in eating disordered behaviors or wanting to die, but I am wanting to curl up in my bed and shut the world out for a while.

The past 3 weeks have been hell, literally anything that could go wrong in my life has. I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and sad. I want to stay in my house and cry for days until all the tears I’ve stored up have run out.

Things aren’t supposed to be like this. Bad things aren’t supposed to be happening to my friends anymore. I’m not supposed to be sad all the time.

This phrase “supposed to” has become a big part of my life that I can’t let go of. I tell myself there are so many things I’m supposed to be making up for, so many people to help, and so many experiences to have that I end up criticizing myself for wanting to sit in my house and be sad instead of doing these things. I’m not supposed to be sad though right?

Throughout my five years in treatment my doctors always told me that they reason bad things kept happening to my friends was because I surrounded myself with unhealthy people who were always in crisis or on the brink of dying. I cut every one of those people out of my life and filled my life with healthy “normal” people as much as I could. But right now I feel like things aren’t changing, bad things keep happening and I want to run away from it all. I’m starting to think there’s no such thing as a healthy person and people wanting to kill themselves or making unhealthy decisions will forever surround me.

I’m starting to think this is a lie the doctors and therapists told me, just like when my parents used to tell me that if I would just get better all of our family problems would disappear.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this, keep living in this world pretending to be happy and like everything’s alright. Pretending this world is so much better than living inside the confined walls of a treatment center. Because right now the two don’t feel much different, and I’m running out of hope.

How To Save a Life

If you’re a reader of my blog you know that my weakness is trying to save people. I’ve spent my life in treatment centers meeting people in crisis and having them come to me when they want nothing more than to end their life and cease living in pain.

I used to tell myself God made me go through this for a reason. That I was the girl who would need to sacrifice herself in order to save others because their life was worth living but not my own. I would stay up for days, calling my long list of sick friends to make sure they were okay and if they weren’t it was my job to convince them that their life was worth living. A lot of them didn’t make it.

After learning of their death I’d always blame myself. I didn’t do enough, I didn’t say the right things, and they’re dead because of me. I’d always get on my knees begging God to take me instead of them, because I deserved it and they didn’t.

Here’s where I got it wrong. God did make me go through this for a reason but it wasn’t to sacrifice myself in order to save someone else. A friend once told me “you can’t save someone else if you’re drowning.”

I didn’t realize what this really meant until I got in recovery. I truly saw that I couldn’t play God and it wasn’t my job to save anyone, especially when I was barely keeping my own head above water.

I stopped taking calls from friends wanting to kill themselves and started living my own life. It still pained me to see people I cared about in pain but I realized the greatest thing I could do for them was live my own life and be an example that people can change and living a happy healthy life was possible after years of struggles.

The other night I was put in a familiar situation. A friend came to me and told me she wanted to die, she had been making plans of how to do it and everything would be better if she was gone. I didn’t know what to do and my mind began racing with fears of losing another friend and it being my fault because I couldn’t do enough. Then a light bulb went off, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t save anyone and there were never the right words to say to make someone want to live. I have been in that position before and had people tell me it gets better but when that switch flips in your head you don’t believe anyone and just want to escape the pain that is radiating through your body.

At this point I did something I’ve never done before. I admitted I couldn’t help her, that nothing I could say would make it better, and I took her to the hospital. I took her to the only place that could keep her safe, with people who can truly help her.

This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but for the first time in my life I felt like I really did help. I admitted I was powerless and got her help. I’ve always told myself when my friends die that it’s been my fault but I now realize it’s not. I am powerless and I am human, but by admitting that this time I might have actually saved a life.

Eating Disorders Kill

This is a fact. The National Eating Disorders Association reports that 10-15% of those with an eating disorder will die within 10 years of contracting the disease, whether by complications relating to their eating disorder, heart failure, or suicide.

This is something I remember being told back when I was 16 at Remuda Ranch. I remember bawling when I heard that and looking around that room and not imagining the world without any of these girls in it. That day was six and a half years ago and today I have lost count at the amount of friends that I have lost due to this disease.

I found out tonight that another friend has lost her life to this fight.
I’m still in shock as I write that sentence.

While it has been almost 3 years since the last time I entered a treatment center and am now living in a world outside of hospitals and residential programs, nights like tonight bring me right back to all those hopeless years when I felt so alone.

This is an entry I wrote in one of my journals on April 19, 2007

"I don’t know who I am or who my friends are. Anorexia is my only friend. Am I ever going to get better? What is it going to take? Someone tell me the secret. Fix me. Last night all I wanted to do was slit my wrists and die. I have no self worth. I am 102 lbs, that is GROSS. I just want this all to be over. I want to be normal again if there is such a thing. I feel like the whole world is against me. I surrender. Help me God, save my life."

As I read that I no longer know the girl who wrote it. That girl could not have been me, even though I know it was. 

Hearing another friend has passed away often makes me angry. Angry that they could be this selfish, angry that they gave up hope, angry that they didn’t keep fighting. These are the times I have to stop and remind myself I was that girl who didn’t have any hope and that wanted so badly just to die.
For some reason God decided it was not my time to leave this earth.

These are the times when I get so frustrated. I wish I could help everyone that still feels so hopeless, to find a way to tell people that it gets better, and that this feeling won’t last forever. That true recovery and a life not obsessing about your weight or food is possible.

I’m not one of those bullshit recovery speakers we hear so often at family week that tells you life is just peachy and perfect because it’s not. I have days where all I want to do is cry and run back to the safety and security of my eating disorder, but I push through it and remind myself that God has bigger plans for me in this world than living my life in hospitals hooked up to feeding tubes.

I’m not sure who all reads this blog or if anyone even reads it at all. But if you are reading this entry and are in that hopeless dark place please don’t give up. I know it feels like things will never get better but I promise it can. I was that girl who never believed it but now I’m living proof that things can change.

Don’t give up.
Don’t ever stop fighting.
You are worth more than this.
Recovery is possible.

Recovered

I don’t need anyone. I am past that stage of needing someone to pick me up when I’m struggling with something. I spent five years in a revolving door of treatment centers, hospitals, outpatient doctors, and day programs. I’m better, I’m recovered, I’m cured, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself. I convince myself I’m past everything that nothing is allowed to upset me because that means I’m not better.

As someone who had an eating disorder, I’ve always thought of the world in black and white, and now is not much different. If I struggle with something, that means I am living a lie, and I never recovered, therefore recovery isn’t possible. Now I know that statement is COMPLETELY irrational but that is what goes through my mind on a daily basis and continues enabling the plastered smile on my face and the willingness to cater to everyone else’s needs. Now as I learned this Spring this cycle of thinking ends me back in a world of depression and restricting my food intake. I DO NOT want that to happen again, and lately I’ve been feeling scared. Scared that I’m never going to get past this belief in my core.

Its crazy how much easier it is to be vulnerable inside the safe walls of a treatment center, where you are expected and even encouraged to cry. In the real world you are told to put a smile on your face, to not think about the things that make you sad, and to remember that other people have it worse than you. Is this really a healthy way to be living? Or are we just breeding a generation of overachievers who are really crumbling on the inside but too scared to tell anyone?

I’ve learned these past two years I’ve been out of treatment that the most difficult thing isn’t following a meal plan, or accepting my body, but learning to use my voice. For so long I starved, cut, and purged to let people know I wasn’t okay, I didn’t know how to say the words out loud, I didn’t feel like I deserved to. Now I’m back in the real world and forget that it’s okay to tell people that I can’t handle something, or that I’m upset. I end up crying alone in my room away from everyone so that people keep believing the façade I present to the world. Why is it so scary to say out loud that I’m upset about something? This is a question I’m going to need to spend some time answering. As an old friend reminded me the other day, people relate to others who are real, not people we perceive as perfect and without problems.

So this is my goal for the upcoming semester. To stop saying “I’m fine” all the time, to ask for help, and to remind myself that no one can do it all.

I’m going to end this post with the lyrics of a Kate Voegele song that really resonates with me right now

Most days I try my best
To put on a brave face
But inside my bones are cold
And my heart breaks
But all the while something’s keeping me safe
And alive

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
And maybe weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining

And I won’t give up like this
I will be given strength
Now that I’ve found it
Nothing can take that away 

The Big S

Suicide. It’s a terrifying word but it’s something we’ve all come into contact with in one-way or another in our lives. I remember being young and hearing that word and thinking how could someone do that to themselves? It was difficult to fathom. Now this is something I’ve become accustom to dealing with in my short life.

Today marks the one year anniversary of losing yet another friend to his own hand, and it comes on the heels of losing someone else just a few short weeks ago. I see my friends go through this gut wrenching loss feeling immense sadness and anger, and feeling helpless. I feel helpless because I wish I could make sense of it all for them. Because I am not your average bystander who looks on in disbelief, I have tried numerous times to take my own life, and know what it feels like in that moment to not care who loves you, or who would be sad if you were gone, but just want ultimate relief from the unbearable pain of living,

This week I started reading a book called “A History of Suicide.” The book is about a girl who’s 21 year old sister takes her own life, and she tries to make sense of it all in her own life, and attempts to understand what her sister was feeling when she did it. There was one quote that stuck out to me, because it summarizes what everyone feels when this happens in their life.

"We do not want to comprehend that people may and do die of emotional pain, or to recognize the terror in ourselves when we cannot seem to help someone in despair—when our words are empty.”

 

It’s so true, whenever we experience a death we all say to ourselves we’re going to start living and loving to the fullest and no longer taking anything for granted. We’re going to talk to the people who we’ve been neglecting and remind them that we love them. But things always return to normal and soon it feels like nothing ever happened because we all find ways to adjust and move on with our lives. The truth is there’s not much we can do or say that will have an impact on someone in that state. I’ve been there before, not caring who said what to me because I didn’t believe them. The only thing I’ve realized that I can tell someone from experience is it does get better. And I know that sounds so cliché but I’ve seen it happen in my life.

I was looking through old pictures the other day and came across this one. Looking at it brought tears to my eyes because it takes me right back to that place. I look at this girl and see her malnourished, forcing a smile, with no real life behind her eyes. 

 

It’s hard to realize that girl is me just a few short years ago. I can see the look of despair and hopelessness in her eyes and all I want to tell her is don’t give up, it does get better. Now for some reason God did not let me take my life that year, and he worked through the doctors in the ICU to save me. Now in pictures I can see a real smile, and eyes that light up because there is true happiness beneath it. 

Now I know everything happens for a reason and the people that do end up succeeding in taking their lives were taken early for some reason that God doesn’t want us to know. But that doesn’t make it any easier. I think right now instead of mourning the only thing we can do is to keep living our lives and fulfill what they can’t. I am now living for that hopeless girl who spent 5 years in hospitals thinking that nothing could ever become of her life. And that’s all any of us can do.