Eating Disorders Kill

This is a fact. The National Eating Disorders Association reports that 10-15% of those with an eating disorder will die within 10 years of contracting the disease, whether by complications relating to their eating disorder, heart failure, or suicide.

This is something I remember being told back when I was 16 at Remuda Ranch. I remember bawling when I heard that and looking around that room and not imagining the world without any of these girls in it. That day was six and a half years ago and today I have lost count at the amount of friends that I have lost due to this disease.

I found out tonight that another friend has lost her life to this fight.
I’m still in shock as I write that sentence.

While it has been almost 3 years since the last time I entered a treatment center and am now living in a world outside of hospitals and residential programs, nights like tonight bring me right back to all those hopeless years when I felt so alone.

This is an entry I wrote in one of my journals on April 19, 2007

"I don’t know who I am or who my friends are. Anorexia is my only friend. Am I ever going to get better? What is it going to take? Someone tell me the secret. Fix me. Last night all I wanted to do was slit my wrists and die. I have no self worth. I am 102 lbs, that is GROSS. I just want this all to be over. I want to be normal again if there is such a thing. I feel like the whole world is against me. I surrender. Help me God, save my life."

As I read that I no longer know the girl who wrote it. That girl could not have been me, even though I know it was. 

Hearing another friend has passed away often makes me angry. Angry that they could be this selfish, angry that they gave up hope, angry that they didn’t keep fighting. These are the times I have to stop and remind myself I was that girl who didn’t have any hope and that wanted so badly just to die.
For some reason God decided it was not my time to leave this earth.

These are the times when I get so frustrated. I wish I could help everyone that still feels so hopeless, to find a way to tell people that it gets better, and that this feeling won’t last forever. That true recovery and a life not obsessing about your weight or food is possible.

I’m not one of those bullshit recovery speakers we hear so often at family week that tells you life is just peachy and perfect because it’s not. I have days where all I want to do is cry and run back to the safety and security of my eating disorder, but I push through it and remind myself that God has bigger plans for me in this world than living my life in hospitals hooked up to feeding tubes.

I’m not sure who all reads this blog or if anyone even reads it at all. But if you are reading this entry and are in that hopeless dark place please don’t give up. I know it feels like things will never get better but I promise it can. I was that girl who never believed it but now I’m living proof that things can change.

Don’t give up.
Don’t ever stop fighting.
You are worth more than this.
Recovery is possible.