Something Worth Fighting For

I’ve always had a hard time looking into the future. It scares me to think about what life will be like three months from now much less three years. It’s always been safer to view my future self as in a casket rather than in life.

A few years ago that was a very big possibility. These days as I see small glimpses of what life can be it terrifies me. It’s scary to view a future for myself and not be able to achieve it. It’s scary to work towards something only to have my eating disorder come back in and take everything away.

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling on and off for the last year or so. Ending up in the hospital as recently as a few months ago. Wanting things to be different but never really setting a bottom line and making it not an option to go back. Too scared not to have my only coping mechanism to fall back on. It’s funny that while I’ve been in the midst of feeling like I’m in limbo God has slowly shifted things in my life.

I’ve been able to open up to my friends in a way that I never have before. To let them know what’s really going on. The good, bad, and the ugly and having them remind me that they aren’t going to run away when things get hard. I’ve begun to set up plans for being done with school and leaving Oklahoma. And as recently as last week I had an internship kind of fall into my lap that I love and makes me feel so fulfilled.

As corny as it sounds, these things give me something to keep fighting for. Something to make myself wake up each day and eat three meals for, and something to look forward to. I can’t say that I have visions and goals for the next ten years but I’m slowly beginning to see a future for myself other than six feet below the ground.