"Don't cry over lost years and forgetfulness. The tales tell what they can. The rest is for us to learn"

I always get reminiscent around my birthday. Another year older reminds me of the years lost. It reminds me that I spent ages 16-22 in treatment centers and hospitals consumed with my eating disorder. It reminds me of all the milestones in life I missed out on. Of no high school graduations, 21^st birthday parties, and going on to college from my parents house. Nothing about my life was normal and I want more than anything to go back and change that. But I can’t.

At my birthday party last night a friend reminded me about this time exactly a year ago. How she remembers telling me I was getting too skinny again and how I couldn’t celebrate the joy of another year because I was in my eating disorder then immediately back in a treatment center. Two weeks after my 24^th birthday I was admitted to treatment. I’ve lost count as to what number this was. I wish I could say that I got myself back on track there and spent the rest of the year enjoying life and doing the things that I love but I can’t. I spent the entire last year obsessed with my weight, reverting back to behaviors I hadn’t done in years, and pushing everyone in my life away. This is something that I am just now coming to terms with. Admitting that I wasted yet another year of my life.

But right now I am vowing for this to be different. I’ve started out this semester on a better foot. I am doing things that terrify me and exploring things that I’ve never ever talked about. Life isn’t perfect and it never will be. I will spend the rest of my life fighting this. But as of this year, I am reclaiming the things that I lost. I am reclaiming the parts of my life that people took from me and vowing to no longer let them drive my decisions and behaviors. I can never change the fact that the guy in 10^th grade told me all I am is a beautiful face and I will never be anything more than that. I can never change my assault at age 20 or the people closest to me being a constant judge of how I look. But I can change how they effect me and try my hardest to stop letting them rule my life. I can remind myself that my hatred of this body is not because there is something wrong with it, but because I am constantly telling myself all those things that have been told to me over the years and believing them.

I cannot say this next year will be perfect but I can say that I am ready to reclaim my life.