Let It Be

I’m not sure what I want to say. I just felt compelled to write tonight.

A big part of me wants to shut down this blog. I am embarrassed by my struggles and so many years of touting pro recovery only for me to end up in a relapse this year.

I thought when I left treatment this last time in April that things truly would be different. That I had learned to love myself while showing myself compassion and grace. That I was confident in who I was and could go forward in my life, no longer struggling with this disease.

Like usual, I was wrong. In May, just a month after I left treatment, I was back to starving. I pulled myself out of it by focusing on my internship this summer and ignoring almost all negative emotions that were festering beneath the surface. Great, things are back to normal, I don’t have an eating disorder, and life is great.

August came. And so did the stress and soon following the starvation.

“Just go back to it Kelly, the anorexia is all you have. If you keep doing this for a few more months it will kill you and you won’t have to live in this pain.” This was something I told myself every night.

Then recruitment happened. I threw myself into another activity and forced myself to eat so I could participate. “Life is good. I don’t have an eating disorder.” This all too familiar sentiment became creeping back in.

Now I’m sitting here embarking on a new phase in my life. I’m alum in Alpha Xi; my friends are no longer built in at Monday chapter meetings. I’m getting older and having to make decisions about the direction I want my life to go. And if I take a moment to actually stop and let myself think I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I will keep falling back on my disease because I can’t actually do life. Terrified that I have to become an adult. Terrified of being happy.

It’s all so confusing and I hate that tears are dripping down my face as I’m writing this. I hate not being the strong confident girl that I portray to the world. But the truth is right now I’m in limbo and figuring it out as I go.

Maybe this semester will be great or maybe I’ll fall back into familiar behaviors but whatever happens I have to let myself be in it. I have to let go of the plans I have laid out for every minute and let it be.

I’m going to leave y’all with this quote that perfectly sums me up right now:

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” -Charlie, Perks of Being a Wallflower