The past month I haven’t been doing well. My head has been flooded with thoughts of hating my body, wanting to restrict, over-exercise, anything to not deal with the emotions I know are bubbling underneath the surface. I know the feelings are there. Not feeling good enough for people, feeling helpless and out of control in certain situations, guilt, overwhelming expectations, the list goes on and on. I’ve been painting a smile on my face, acknowledging I’m not dealing with anything, and white knuckling my way through my recovery. Sounds like a great plan right?
Today it all came to a crashing halt. I went to urgent care because I’ve been sick for the past week; I got on the scale backwards like I normally do and told the nurse not to tell me my weight. I guess she didn’t hear me because before I knew it she was uttering the numbers and I felt my world crashing down. I haven’t known my weight since the last time I left Castlewood; the number just messes with my head so much. And when she said that number out loud today all I could think about was what the scale used to say, and how I’ve let myself go. Calculating in my head how much my uggs and clothes weighed to get to the real number.
For the first time in a year I restricted my food today. I can use all the excuses in the book, I’m sick so soup is fine to have as a meal, but I know that wasn’t the reason I did it. I wanted to feel like I had willpower again, that I could control something, that familiar feeling of emptiness in my stomach. I feel lost, confused, angry, frustrated, and sad. Why am I doing this? Why am I letting this get to me? I know where this road goes. That voice in my head tells me I can just lose ten or fifteen pounds and stop there, still being healthy. And right now I’m too tired to fight it. Is this how my life is going to be, constant struggle in my head and having my eating disorder waiting in the shadows when things get tough? If it is then I don’t want to keep fighting it. I either want to be rid of it forever or reclaim it as my identity I knew for so long, there’s no in between.
Today it all came to a crashing halt. I went to urgent care because I’ve been sick for the past week; I got on the scale backwards like I normally do and told the nurse not to tell me my weight. I guess she didn’t hear me because before I knew it she was uttering the numbers and I felt my world crashing down. I haven’t known my weight since the last time I left Castlewood; the number just messes with my head so much. And when she said that number out loud today all I could think about was what the scale used to say, and how I’ve let myself go. Calculating in my head how much my uggs and clothes weighed to get to the real number.
For the first time in a year I restricted my food today. I can use all the excuses in the book, I’m sick so soup is fine to have as a meal, but I know that wasn’t the reason I did it. I wanted to feel like I had willpower again, that I could control something, that familiar feeling of emptiness in my stomach. I feel lost, confused, angry, frustrated, and sad. Why am I doing this? Why am I letting this get to me? I know where this road goes. That voice in my head tells me I can just lose ten or fifteen pounds and stop there, still being healthy. And right now I’m too tired to fight it. Is this how my life is going to be, constant struggle in my head and having my eating disorder waiting in the shadows when things get tough? If it is then I don’t want to keep fighting it. I either want to be rid of it forever or reclaim it as my identity I knew for so long, there’s no in between.
It’s going to get better, it’s going to be okay, and I can keep fighting. These are the words I’m going to keep telling myself until I believe them. Because I don’t know what else to do.
Hey girl I get the place you are at and it SUCKS! I hate that you are going through that right now and I would love to actually skype sometime soon because I can't write all my thoughts in a comment and I haven't talked to you in forever. There are times that this WILL happen. There will be days you don't care at all, you want to give up and don't really see the point anymore. I have had many of these days and I feel like I shouldn't have them anymore- but we will have some for awhile. I don't know if writing helps you but it usually helps me figure out what is going on. You just have to get through these days with faith that soon it will be better again. The ups and downs will always be there, but the longer you are in recovery the higher the highs will be and at the same time the higher the lows will be. There are times I don't think fighting is worth it. But then I ask myself why I ever did it at all and I am able to at least cognitively remember why it is worth it- especially if it gets even better. Hang in there girl :) and I'll text you about skyping because I think that would help both of us!
ReplyDelete