Guilt

I’m better. I’m cured. I don’t struggle anymore. I no longer have an eating disorder. These are things I say to myself and others everyday.

I hold so much shame around having an eating disorder, all of the things I did in it and all the people I hurt. I was a different person back then, a crazy person, a person I want nothing to do with. I try so hard to distance myself from that girl that I end up denying the fact that she was a part of me.

I don’t know if it’s the expectations I perceive from others or the ones I put on myself that makes me think this way, probably a little of both.

I’m really ashamed to admit this but the last few weeks I’ve been really triggered by a lot of things. I haven’t acted on any of it but my mind has been consumed with thoughts of thinking I’m overweight, needing to starve, over exercise, or take diet pills. Really anything to gain a sense of control and not feel anything that is going on around me.

What’s going on? I’m not supposed to have these thoughts; I’m in recovery, which means I’m past all of this right? Never struggling again. I know rationally that none of that is true but it feels so daunting to accept the fact that this is a battle I’ll have to fight for the rest of my life.

I know what’s really at the core of it but it’s hard for me to admit it.

One word. Guilt.

Seeing people around me struggle and not knowing if they’re going to make it consumes me with guilt. I feel guilty that I survived and others didn’t. I feel guilty that I’m living my life and others are fighting for their lives. I should’ve done something more, I shouldn’t have distanced myself so much, I should have given better advice, I should’ve been there.

If I could die and they could go onto live a normal happy life I would do it in a heartbeat.

These are the thoughts that overwhelm me daily.

I know God brought me out on the other side of this disease for a reason, and I know maybe someday somehow I will help someone. But right now I feel like a fraud and I feel helpless. I want more than anything in the world to use what I know best to numb out and stop feeling. But I won’t. I’m going to keep talking, writing, sharing, and asking for help. Because I’ve come too far to turn back now. And I have faith in the big man upstairs that He knows more than me.